It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
