saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
