She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Randomize
