Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
