God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
