i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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