I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You made out with two different species that night
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
