I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
