And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
