Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
