My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize
