I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
