Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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