Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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