i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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