In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
