apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
