it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
3pm strippers are depressing
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
