you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
