We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I touched a dick in church today
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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