You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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