U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
