you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
