We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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