when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
