so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Randomize
