I accidentally had phone sex last night
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
