My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
