so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
