remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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