You were right. It hurts to walk today.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
