Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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