i need an iv and a liver transplant
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Randomize
