she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
