i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize