I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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