I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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