im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
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