I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
