theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
