I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
