Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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