got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
