I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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