the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
