if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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