I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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