I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Congratulations! We have a period
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