When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
im calling her cock vulture from now on
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize
