he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
