so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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