yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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