Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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