Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I love having hate sex.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize