If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
