Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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