He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Randomize
