but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
