He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
