I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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