we have officially lost it.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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