Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
