just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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