The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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